Ruth Clare

How to re-frame failure as part of success

The stories we tell ourselves when things don’t work out the way we hoped can stop us from dusting ourselves off and keeping on going. Instead of seeing failure as something that is happening to you, and you alone, it is far more helpful to think of failure as something that happens to everyone who has ever succeeded.

This is not always easy.

Focus only what is in your control
When I was an actor, I was constantly auditioning. Many of the parts I went for I didn’t get (Fools! I was brilliant!). Learning how to live with constant failure was hard. One of the ways that helped me with this was by redefining what counted as success and focusing only on the parts of the process that were in my control.

I couldn’t control whether or not I got cast in a role. But I could make sure I always learned my lines and treated every audition as a chance to learn. This approach helped with the final step in plan b thinking: Not taking it personally if things don’t work out the way you hoped they would.

Our biology makes us afraid of failure
Dealing with setbacks, uncertainty and failure is an inevitable and normal part of life. So why do so many of us struggle to cope when times are hard?

One of the reasons is our biology. Human beings come hard-wired with a whole lot of adaptations aimed at ensuring our survival above all else. One of these adaptations is that we have brains that are very good at paying close attention to things that can hurt us, like sabre tooth tigers and poison berries.

This negativity bias is hard-wired into our brains and it is especially active during times of uncertainty and change. It makes us focus on problems rather solutions. If we don’t recognize this tendency of ours, we can become paralysed by our fears, stuck in our thinking and unable to move forward in our lives.

Tell yourself a more helpful story
Viktor E Frankl, a psychiatrist who spent three years in concentration camps during the holocaust believed that no matter how many choices were taken from us, we always have a capacity to decide how much we allow the negative to define us. He said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

I have a different way of thinking about this idea. I think there are events that happen in our lives (over which we often have no control) and there are stories we tell ourselves about what those events mean.

I grew up in a home filled with violence and addiction. My family was nothing like the families I saw on TV. For a long time the story I told myself about that experience was that this made me less (worthy, valuable, loveable, important) than others.

This YOU ARE LESS THAN story stopped me from sharing my thoughts, perspective and ideas with the world. It whispered in my ear, “Who would want to listen to you?”

But I didn’t want YOU ARE LESS THAN to be the story of my life. So I challenged it and began changing it, piece by piece. First by writing my story, then by publishing it. Then by building a speaking career.

When people write to me or tell me how my story has helped them to know they aren’t alone, I use their precious words to quiet that old story. So when it asks, “Who would want to listen to you?” I can reply. This person.

Change your story, change your life
We don’t always get to control the events that happen in our lives. But we do get to change the stories we tell ourselves about what those events mean.

What stories are you telling yourself about who you are and what is possible for you?

Do those stories serve you?

What new stories do you want to define your life?

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Ruth Clare is an award-winning author, TEDx and motivational keynote speaker, professional actor, qualified scientist and authenticity, resilience and change expert who learned by necessity, first to survive, then to thrive. Ruth weaves research and hard-won lessons with powerful, relatable stories from her lived experience overcoming adversity, to help others find the courage to own the stories that are holding them back so they can rewrite their lives. With a rare knack for distilling the neuroscience and psychology of human behaviour into simple ideas and practical strategies, Ruth shows people how to embrace uncertainty, stay hopeful when times are tough and harness their potential for growth and change. Ruth’s TEDx talk, The Pain of Hiding Your True Self, has had over half a million views.